We weren’t born to follow…

This one has taken a while to write……

It’s been hard because it feels like I’m in unchartered waters, part of me doesn’t want to admit it because on one hand admitting it makes it more real, official, but then on the other hand i do want to admit and speak about because then I’m more aware of the situation and move on and grow from it.
Most of my life my circle of friends have been primarily those I’ve known from church. Which was totally fine, I was ok with that, but now it seems to be shifting in a different direction away from that! And surprisingly… I’m just as cool with that.

The Salvation Army can be the best means of networking, bar none, but it can also be the single most destructive as well. Let me explain why i say that… You go anywhere in the world, whether your a student, on holiday, just moved into the area.. anything and you can go along to a Salvation Army meeting having met someone who either already knows you or knows someone you know. But even in the rare cases this doesn’t happen you can come away having met someone you connect with because of the range of people who go along from a range of different circumstances. But then the downside to that is, you annoy one of those people, disagree or have a falling out etc then everyone knows about it. And not just at that one one place… No, that network you once thought was your ticket to Friend paradise can all of a sudden be your one way ticket to isolation all over the place!

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a bash at the army, that ship has sailed. I’ve done enough moaning about it to last me a lifetime. No this is just my experience, and I know it has an element of “You get what you put in” to it. Alot of it is down to my own attitude as well and maybe how I’ve acted as well.

But I’m fed up of all that now…. I’m fed up of having to pretend your someone your not because you know if you annoy that person then your name will be mud up and down the country by the time you’ve got home from the meeting and got your roast out the oven. A friend should be someone who sticks by you no matter what, kinda like a marriage if you like, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health and I’ll add to that through the tough times and disagreements.

Like i say don’t misunderstand this for a cheap shot at the Army because it’s not that at all, i still love the Army, always will i think, but at the minute i guess its just a bittersweet relationship, and i still have friends who go along, which is brilliant. Just those people who are still in my corner after all the dust settled are not those I assumed would be there. Which i guess is to my shame that I didn’t think enough of them to think they would. And i aim to make it up to them for that. No i assumed the people who would be behind me would be those I’ve known for years, sat with week and after week on a Sunday morning, shared with, cried with, laughed with and grown up with. I guess what hurts more when thinking about it now a I write this is thinking back to the amount of potential friendships I’ve just thrown away with people away from the church I haven’t made that extra effort when meeting them at first to build a friendship  because either my “friends” didn’t like them or made them feel uncomfortable when they came out with us etc just because they were different and had opinions that didn’t agree with the church or theirs. Or even for the real friends I had because I would make very little effort, if any to maintain that friendship because I was fooled into thinking the people around me were all I needed. It hurts to think I was too interested in following the crowd and the superficial comfort zone that came with that. But where were they when things got hard….. Answer?! No-where!

But I’m done following the crowd…

I’m coming away from that safe zone…. And if that means being billy nae mates for a while then I don’t care. I’ve said already all this has shown me who my real friends are and also taught me the lesson not to be someone your not just to impress someone else. Your only going to end up being frustrated and upset when you find out who they really are… I know i was! And to be honest with you, I’m finding it so much easier to build friendships with people I meet and also changed my attitude to my friends now that it makes me wonder why I never came jumped the gate from the sheep pen sooner….

That’s where I’m at just now anyways…

Blog…… Done!

This is cool….

I love this song. One of my all time favourites. Depending on what mood I’m in depends on which artist i listen to do it, whether it’s the classic by Leonard Cohen, Bon jovi or Jeff Buckley or whether I listen to this version by 4 guys from Norwegian Idol. 4 different sounding voices but still one fantastic song.

Enjoy

Starting again from now….

Where to start…..

This last month i’ve come to appreciate the word ‘whirlwind’. That’s because in the space of a month I’ve gone from being in a dead end job for dead end money working for a dead end manager to working a job that throws new challenges every day, that pays way more than I deserve to be paid given my experience and qualifications, or should i say lack of and for bosses that support you and try and push you onto bigger and better things.
But don’t misunderstand me when i say all that and think I’m boasting, because I’m not. I take none of that for granted and know I wouldn’t be in that job if it wasn’t for people looking after me and opening that door for me. Plus I know to be a success in this company I need to knuckle down, listen, learn and work hard… Something I’ve never been particularly good at.

That said I can’t help but feel a sense of achievement and pride at the same time. Because even though it was a friend that mentioned to my now bosses that I was looking for work and enquired if there was work going, I still had to show them I was up for it and capable to hold my own when playing in the adult world and not show them up. And I’d like to think I’ve done that. Well I must have done given that I’m now a Prosource employee.

One slight downside to going back into IT though is that I’ve had to give up my youth work. Well to be honest I didn’t have to but I felt i needed to so I could put all my energy and concentration into Prosource. I’ll definitely miss it because I’ve had some amazing times there, worked with some pretty cool people and built some pretty good relationships with the young folk of Portlethen, but it was the right thing to do. Still, doesn’t make it any easier closing that chapter of my life.

But that was the past and now I’m looking forward, to the future, to the start of the rest of my life. I feel like wee Charlie Bucket when he found the last Golden ticket because all this, it feels like my Golden Ticket. I mean I’ve got a great job, the car I always wanted, a girl I love more than any other thing on the face of this here earth (granted we’ve had to go through the wars for me to realise it) and air in my lungs to enjoy all of it. What more could a guy ask for right?!

So here it is, there start of the rest of my life! I hope in 60yrs when Trib and I are grey, old and our bodies are drooping all over the place through no choice of our own that I can look back at this point in time and say that was the point I turned my life around, the time I decided to make something of myself, the time we started our adventure for real… And man what a bloody sensational adventure it was!

Hooroo the noo..

Beats a piggy back…..

Watch this….

I first heard this song in 2007. My line manager on Essential Ian Emery introduced me to this band after he saw him at Frenzy festival in Edinburgh. But out out of all Leelands musical catalogue, this one sticks out for me the most! I love it.

Such a beautiful melody, beautiful words and powerful message. I’m not going to harp on and try and drag this out with some religious mumbo jumbo because I think the song speaks for itself. But I will say this. That when I find myself going through times of spiritual warfare and I’m at a particularly low point I find myself coming back to this song in my own personal space, away from everyone, away from the stuff that can distract me.. TV, Laptop, blackberry and find myself listening to this. And I find it to be therapeutic somehow, like the words stir up emotions and thoughts and strength that pull me up and dust me off! All in 5 minutes…

I get alot from lyrics to music etc and this one in particular added perfectly to my reflections from my trip to Thurso that I mentioned in my blog the other night (All gone…) and how I let go of all the bitterness and fear I had towards John, my step dad at the time. And this just brought that feeling of relief and freedom home to me, in particular..

“And I don’t see my brokeness anymore, when I’m seated at the table of the lord”

For me that sums up what we all need from time to time. Reassurance. Reassurance that even when we mess up or are hurt, and lord knows I can relate to that lately, that if you have God in your life, none of that matters because he will always be there to help you up, dust you off and guide you on where to go from there so that you don’t have to linger on that pain but instead learn and grow from it. I hope this is making sense. I know What I’m trying to say but i have a brilliant tendency to not put that across very well.

That’s it, that’s all I wanted to say.. short and sweet! But I hope this can help you in your own reflections and devotions the same way it does me.

Hooroo the noo

Took something perfect and painted it red…..

Ok I’ll retract, rethink and reword….

Some of you might and probably read my blog the other day where i lost my temper and wrote about someone who hurt me. Now as much as she is wrong and stand by most of what i said, talking about it in a public place and in the manner i did it was wrong.

Like i said i still believe what i said was right, but at the same time the reason i lost my temper so easily was probably because i felt stupid. I felt stupid because i allowed something to happen that shouldn’t of and by doing that opened up my feelings and emotions to be used and abused! And they were. And that’s why I lost my temper. But now that I’ve calmed down and had time to think about it, I know it’s not just the person the blog was written abouts fault. It takes two to tango, and i was as much in the swing of the dance. And I apologise now for airing it in such a public way, but I do believe someone who hurts as many people and betrays as many people as they have deserves everything that is thrown at them and have no right to be surprised or play the victim if someone speaks up to the lies and trouble making that cause pain to others.

But out of all the hard times I’ve gone through the last month or so whilst having what seems like a mini break down, my uncle dying, getting charged by the police etc etc something that has been a shining light through all of it and pulled me through is Laura. I’ve been a real ass to live with lately but Laura has stuck by me through thick and thin, at times we even wondered if we would survive as a couple with all the goings on but we have and by the looks of it we’re stronger than ever. Growing up i never thought i would be lucky enough to have someone like Laura in my life, someone who loves me unconditionally even though I am the worlds biggest pain in the ass, someone who would do anything for me even though it should be me fulfilling that role for her, someone who supports me first and asks questions later. And i could not be more grateful for that, her love, her compassion, forgiveness and her stubbornness not to give up on me. Why on earth would i want anything different, only a fool would think they could find better than that!

That’s why I know now after the past month that I was completely justified to slide that ring onto her finger that freezing cold November afternoon at Pittodrie. I only hope that I can reciprocate even half the love she gives me and treat her like a princess, just like i promised when I got down on one knee. Because that would be only a fraction of what she deserves for putting up with a guy like me!

Thanks Laura I want you to know your the best and I want you to know that I love you unconditionally. And as I start this new chapter in my life with the new job that will open so many more doors for us, I want to state first and foremost that I start this chapter with you by side! No more what if’s, no more grass might be greener, no more pasts… just the future… Our future… And O man I’m sure it’s gonna be a hell of a journey!

Hooroo the noo